AUDIO BOOKS - From Recorded Books Available on Amazon
FROM AUDIBLE BOOKS
Available on Amazon
SOME OF MY FAVORITE TV SERIES/SHOWS
In no particular order
Hell on Wheels
Beauty and the Beast (the newest series)
A Discovery of Witches
Dick Van Dyke
Why "Star Wars" Is Better Than "Titanic"
1. Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
2. Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.
3. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
4. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.
5. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
6. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.
7. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
8. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral. And of course said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
9.We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
11.People have not lost their lives trying to re-create scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.
12. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.
13. Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!
14. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
15. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "King of the World"?
16. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.
17. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
18. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
19. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke.... I am your father."
20. Two words: John Williams.
One more reason added by one of my readers:
Hayden Christiansen vs. Leo DiCaprio. Really, is there any contest?
A CHILD'S VIEW OF THE BIBLE
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.