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MANDY'S MARCH CONTEST

Congratulations to Yolonda Segotta.  She's the winner of my February contest. I'll be sending her a signed copy of  BOUND BY NIGHT,  and assorted bookmarks.

 

 The prize for March will be a signed copy of  BOUND BY BLOOD and assorted bookmarks.

 

WISHING YOU A HAPPY AND BLESSED EASTER

LAUGHS

 

Due to my time alone, I finished three books yesterday.  And believe me, that's a lot of coloring.

 

 What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?  I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

 

There's nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think, "They are going to find me naked!"

 

Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.  It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

 

Struggling to get your wife's attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.

 

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

 

I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.  Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope.  Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

 

Shout-out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can't remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people.

 

One minute you're young and fun.  And next, you're turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

 

Think you're old and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional.

 

Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave—I'd say I'm having a good day.

 

 

More Laughs

 

1. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

 

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

 

 3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

 

 4. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

 

 5. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

 

 6. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

 

 7. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

 

 8. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

 

 9. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!

 

10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

 

11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

 

12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.

 

13. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.

 

14. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.

 

15. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

 

16. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.

 

17. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

 

18. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

 

19. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

 

 20. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

 

 21. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

 

 22. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

 

 23. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

 

24. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.