MANDY'S APRIL CONTEST
Congratulations to Sharon V. She's the winner of my March contest. I'll be sending her a signed copy of BOUND BY BLOOD, and assorted bookmarks.
The prize for April will be a signed copy of A FIRE IN THE BLOOD and assorted bookmarks.
HAPPY SPRING!
Laughs
Some humor for (and about) mature adults:
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job"
Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
WORDS OF WISDOM
Orators from the distant past:
"One man with courage makes a majority."
Andrew Jackson
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country"
John F. Kennedy
MORE RECENT GEMS of wisdom:
"It depends what your definition of 'is' is?''
William Jefferson Clinton
"Those rumors are false. I believe in the sanctity of marriage"
John Edwards
"Gorsuch isn't fit to serve because he uses law and not emotions."
Kamala Harris
"What difference does it make?" (re: Benghazi)
Hillary Clinton
"I invented the Internet."
Al Gore
"America is, is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was, uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children."
Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states."
Barack Obama (2008)
"You don't need God anymore; you have us Democrats."
Nancy Pelosi (2006)
"Paying taxes is voluntary."
Sen. Harry Reid
"Homicide is the leading cause of murder."
Rep. Sheila Jackson
"No ordinary American cares about Constitutional rights."
Joe Biden
"Having an abortion is no different than having one's tonsils removed."
Elizabeth Warren
"Owning guns is not a right. If it were a right, it would be in the Constitution."
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (2018)
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he is."
Hillary Rodham-Clinton (1998)
"You have a business, you didn't build that. Someone else did!"
Barack Obama (2012)
"Social Security has nothing to do with the deficit."
Bernie Sanders
And the most ridiculous gem of wisdom, from the Mother superior of STUPID: "We just have to pass Obama's Healthcare Bill to see what's in it."
Nancy Pelosi (March 2010)
"My fear is if North Korea nukes us, Trump is gonna get us into a war."
Maxine Waters (2017)