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Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
Ah! Being young is exciting but being old is comfortable.
May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
Tires with air,
And friends who care
I wrote this a very long time ago, as you can see, by the singers mentioned although, sadly, it seems fitting today, as well.
Where Have All the Heroes Gone?
I watched some rock videos with my son
and couldn't believe my eyes
Prince, Twisted Sister, Black Sabbath and Queen
and girls who looked like guys;
I saw demons and devils and evil made fun
I saw outlaws and rebels as well
Girls half-clad and guys who looked bad
and a scene that looked just like hell...
and I asked myself ~
where have all the heroes gone?
Where are the guys in suits and ties
who sang those wholesome songs
of April love and stars above
and dancing all night long?
We went to the movies and up on the screen
bigger than life we did see
bloodshed and violence
and all kinds of sin
and it was rated PG!
The good guys were bad, the bad guys were worse
and nowhere at all did I see
anyone who dared, or even half cared
about honor and morality....
and I asked myself ~
where have all the heroes gone?
those brave men of yesteryear
who didn't cheat and didn't curse
and laughed in the face of fear.
Where are the knights who fought for right
the sheriffs who cleaned up the town
who helped the poor and rescued the girl
before the last curtain came down?
Wherever they've gone, those men so bold
whatever took them away
I hope they come back before it's too late
This was written by my good friend, Brenda. I liked it so much, I had to share it.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall,
I see our Nation's about to fall.
Virus spreading like a fire,
Media screaming life so dire.\\
Looting, shooting, riots and hate,
We are choosing our own fate,
Where right is wrong and wrong is right,
And all we do is fight, fight, fight.
And yet I see it all so clearly,
We could lose all that we hold dearly.
Our life, our liberty, the land of the free,
God, country and our history.
So, wake up America and take a stand.
It's time to take back this precious land.
Bury our differences, hurt and pain,
Stop acting like we've gone insane.
We are one nation under God,
Guided by His staff and rod.
So, let's pull together like in the past.
And build a country that will last.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
I pray our Nation will not fall.
People are using the word lockdown because they don't know how to spell kwarinteen.
Have you noticed that the amount of selfies being posted are down by 68%?
I hope all the school teachers realize their students will return to class using old math.
I've absorbed so much disinfectants, soap, and antibacterial sanitizing gels recently that whenever I go pee, it cleans the toilet.
I'm pretty sure I just heard my fridge say, "What the heck do you want now?!"
I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.
Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you're a family of 6, you're all about to find out who's the least favorite!
Health Tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face.
My house got TP'd last night ... it's appraised value has now doubled!
Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weed's legal and school's closed ... kids today are livin' the dream!
This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!
If you get an email with the subject "Knock Knock," don't open it. It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.
Day 36 of social isolation at home, and it's like being in Las Vegas. I'm losing money by the minute. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour. Nobody knows what time it is.
How bad is the economy?
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail
CEO's are now playing miniature golf
Exxon-Mobile laid of 25 congressmen
I saw a Mormon with only one wife
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America
Parents in Beverley Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico
A picture is now only worth 200 words
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room
The Treasure Island casino in Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates
"God left the world unfinished for man to work his skill upon. He left the electricity in the cloud, the oil in the earth. He left the rivers unbridged and the forests unfelled and the cities unbuilt. God gives to man the challenge of raw materials not the ease of finished things. He leaves the pictures unpainted and the music unsung and the problems unsolved, that man might know the joys and glories of creation." Thomas S. Monson
The devil doesn't come to you with his ugly red face and scary horns. He comes to you disguised as everything you ever wanted.
How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies looked at you and thought the world needed one of you, too.
if it can be solved, there's no need to worry, and if it can't be solved, worry is of no use. The 14th Dalai Lama
"Preach the Gospel at all times and,
if necessary, use words."
St. Francis of Asissi
All the water in the world
no matter how it tried
could never sink the smallest ship
unless it got inside.
All the evil of the world
and every kind of sin
could never damn a human soul
unless we let it in.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
When You Call, God May Not Respond Right Away, But He's Never Late.
Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
If you have not chosen the kingdom of God first, it will make no difference, in the end, what else you have chosen.