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THIS-N-THAT

Lockdown Humor

People are using the word lockdown because they don't know how to spell kwarinteen.

Have you noticed that the amount of selfies being posted are down by 68%?

I hope all the school teachers realize their students will return to class using old math.

I've absorbed so much disinfectants, soap, and antibacterial sanitizing gels recently that whenever I go pee, it cleans the toilet.

I'm pretty sure I just heard my fridge say, "What the heck do you want now?!"

I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.

Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you're a family of 6, you're all about to find out who's the least favorite!

Health Tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face.

My house got TP'd last night ... it's appraised value has now doubled!

Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weed's legal and school's closed ... kids today are livin' the dream!

This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!

If you get an email with the subject "Knock Knock," don't open it. It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.

After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.

Day 36 of social isolation at home, and it's like being in Las Vegas. I'm losing money by the minute. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour. Nobody knows what time it is.


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How bad is the economy?

 

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf

 

Exxon-Mobile laid of 25 congressmen

 

I saw a Mormon with only one wife

 

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer

 

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America

 

Parents in Beverley Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names

 

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

 

A picture is now only worth 200 words

 

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room

 

The Treasure Island casino in Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates

 

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